November 5, 2008
By Larry Van Zandt
As I sat and watched the Dickies 500 at Texas Motor Speedway Sunday, from my tattered and threadbare couch (I can afford a replacement, I just haven't found anything comfortable yet, which is another problem I wish to speak of later...), I found myself channel surfing during commercial breaks.
It wasn't that I was engaged in the heinous act of 'surfing', what bothered me was the amount of times I was doing it.
Holy Commercial Break, Batman!
I guess I never really noticed it before, but now that I am paying attention, the commercial breaks are chewing up quite a bit of the race. I am not complaining, as the network airing the event does have bills to pay, but you would think that with the amount of money being spent to produce the commercials in question, the quality of the commercials just might be a tad....I don't know....uh...better?
I don’t know what ad agencies are writing the utter drivel that is showing up on the airwaves, but it’s approaching “Cruel and Unusual Punishment” levels of inanity. I am not completely clueless about the commercial advertising process, as I have written ads for friend’s and customer’s business, I have done voice-overs for a few radio ads, and I have also done some movie and commercial ‘extra’ acting in my short reign of grammatical and creative terror upon this earth, so I have at least some grasp of the business. I wouldn’t mind seeing the same amount of commercials that I see already, but the selling process would go so much smoother for the viewing public, if the commercials didn’t smell like a three-day-dead NASCAR rulebook.
To that end, after watching the race, and taking notes of the commercials being aired, I now have some disaster ‘gems’ that I picked out of those commercials aired during the race, and will critique for the viewing audience here at IRN (if you saw them, anyway, I am trying to pick out those that were seen nationally):
#1. Enterprise Rent A Car: Now, here’s one commercial that is suffering from a bit of confusion about its purpose. I wasn’t aware that a rented Cadillac Escalade was required to bring an ‘excited’ romantic couple from their home, to a posh resort/hotel. One segment of the business world already does this sort of delivery:
It’s called a ‘Taxi’.
If Enterprise only picked you up, just like the voice-over actor says, then it would be safe to assume that the well-manicured and polished Enterprise representative would be dropped off at the Enterprise rental facility, or dumped out into a crime-ridden neighborhood on the other side of the tracks, where gangs of unemployed Broadway Musical actors and singers menace the darkened streets, prowling for unfortunate victims, with the two main gangs being the “Kander and Ebbs” and “Rodgers and Hammersteins” fighting over control of the streets, singing their battle songs, and engaging in street dance fighting….however, the commercial clearly shows that same manicured Enterprise representative both during pickup AND drop-off……which begs the question: Is Enterprise now only renting out cars and trucks with pre-installed drivers? Will these drivers be able to peform tire-destroying donuts in deserted parking lots and petting zoos, curb-jumps, and E-brake slides with the same accuracy, panache, and flair as I would exhibit?
I didn’t think so, either.
By the way…..did anyone else notice that the man and woman in that commercial looked startingly alike?
Ewwww.
One other ‘ick’ thing about this Enterprise commercial? In addition to the ‘Family Reunion/Romantic Getaway’ being depicted in this ad, the voice-over actor going into a Monty Python-ish “wink wink, nod nod” elbow-into-the-ribs tone as the commercial ended, implying that Enterprise could help you ‘get lucky’ , if you would only rent a vehicle from them. Gee, think of all of the marriages in danger of falling apart…..and whaddya know, Enterprise is here to save the day. “Rent a car, save your marriage!”
I’m probably reading too much into these ads….but if you only knew how much focus group polling and psychological engineering went into the making of these commercials….
#2. Prilosec OTC: This commercial pulls at my heart strings….of the coronary blockage kind.
Anyone here remember the 1984 movie ‘Amadeus’? There is a scene in that movie, where Mozart is rehearsing an opera, and the dancers on stage are dancing without any music, after Emperor Joseph complains of there being ‘too many notes’ in Mozart’s music. When the Emperor sits in on a rehearsal, and sees how dumb it looks, he relents and allows the music to be played in its entirety.
How does this apply to this medication commercial?
Well, apparently, whoever wrote this commercial thought that looking like a moron was a good thing, thinking that dancing around to Prilosec OTC without the addition of audible music would be somehow construed as good. This horrid commercial was not only a violation of Geneva Convention rules on warfare, they also tried to set a woman’s feet ablaze with a flaming demon imp as she danced…..the horror…the horror…
#3. Oh, and by the way? I now have ‘Zero’ interest in buying a Toyota. Every time this grating ‘Saved by Zero’ commercial was aired, I was ‘saved’ by the ‘channel up/down’ button.
#4. ESPN/ABC/Disney. This Mickey Mouse operation sought out an 8th-grade garage band to perform the nauseating tune, ‘Last Man Standing’, which is played right before various commercial breaks. Yes, it’s not a commercial, but it’s supporting their NASCAR coverage, so it’s advertising something.
Now before the complaints fly, I have nothing against garages, you could consider me to be ‘Multi-garaginal’, meaning I support garages no matter what their structural background might be.
But this song? It’s merely the latest set of fingernails down the chalkboard of NASCAR. This song has absolutely nothing to do with what is occurring, and reeks of corporate cheesiness, indicating to me that whoever chose this song must have absolutely zero (Oh no, Toyota strikes again!) ear for music. This song is sooo out of place, that the only similar comparison I can think of would be to have a drunken howler monkey screech out the theme song to ‘Spongebob Squarepants’, and substitute that audio to the video images of the opening battle scenes of ‘Saving Private Ryan’.
To simplify:
Drunken Howler Monkey Screeching out ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ + Saving Private Ryan video images = ‘Last Man Standing’ song.
Wow, what a mix.
In addition? What if someone watching the race wasn’t a regular viewer of NASCAR, but was a fanatic viewer of Professional Wrestling, Cage Fighting, and the Martha Stewart ‘Living’ TV show? If this particular someone heard Dr. Jerry Punch (“ooh yeah, his last name is Punch!”) talk about the ‘Last Man Standing’, followed up by that eardrum-hemorraging song, that someone might incorrectly assume that once the race was over, all 43 drivers would jump into a boxing ring, and attempt to beat each other to death with Nerf Bats….with the ‘Last Man Standing’ then having to bake a cake with Martha Stewart afterward in ten minutes or less.
Well, it’s what I would think.
Moving on…..
All jokes aside, Dale Earnhardt Jr. did an interview on Friday, and said some interesting things about the sport of stock car racing.
The good news?
He was right.
The bad news?
He was right.
On one hand, Dale Earnhardt Jr. is simply the latest of NASCAR coal mine canaries to chirp (not literally) about what’s going wrong with the sport, so at first glance, one would think that this will simply be glossed over and forgotten, as soon as the next big bit of news shows up. However, I don’t think it will be.
The difference now, vs. all those times before?
It’s who’s doing the talking. Dale Jr. is NASCAR. I don’t mean he is the entire organization, what I mean is that he has stepped into the shoes of his father in an odd sort of way, and is the ‘face’ of stock car racing, and currently the most recognizable driver in the garage. From what I understand, Dale Sr. was kind of the ‘go-to’ guy for almost any sort of issue for the entire NASCAR driving community. His son, at least to me, anyway, garners almost the same amount of respect that his father did. He doesn’t come across as a ‘dirty’ driver. He doesn’t give off the aura of being an arrogant jerk like some of the other drivers that surround him. He doesn’t sound like a corporate shill when he talks. If there’s a problem, he talks about it.
I’m not really a Dale Jr, fan, at least to the extent that some fans might tattoo the #88 to their chests, paint their cars to look like Dale Jr’s, buy loads of die-cast toys with the #88 on them, or even name their children after him (“I love Dale Jr, so much, that I named my child Dale Earnhardt Jr. Number 88 Van Zandt!!!”).
But I find myself struggling to remain an ‘objective’ observer, and not do a “Hell, yes!” when he passes someone, or “Hell, no!” when something bad happens to the #88. I don’t know him personally, nor do I know if it’s the ‘true’ Dale Jr. that we see doing interviews…but I don’t see anything that turns me off, and I think these reasons, and others, are why he’s NASCAR’s most popular driver. My ‘B.S.’ alarm doesn’t go off when he talks.
The other thing is the timing.
Others have sounded the warning about NASCAR’s impending doom, but none of those who were warning about the problems were considering to be ‘A’ list NASCAR celebrities, and thus could be brushed off easily. In addition, hey, times were good! What, me worry? Revenues are going up! Is such and such complaining about the end of the world? Why, he must be smoking something!
Now? The comments precisely match what’s going on, and can no longer be covered up.
There are eight to ten races too many.
There is too much money being spent.
The NASCAR circus tent is imploding.
NASCAR has sold itself out trying to be everything for everybody.
And now, quite possibly the sport’s most recognizable driver is speaking out, in a time where NASCAR is clamping down on ‘commentary’ such as Dale Jr’s, and I don’t think they are going to be able to shut him up this time.
In parting: Remember my ‘bigger wheel’ story from two weeks ago? After looking at the interview with John Darby, Sprint Cup series director, and his general indifference towards the ‘modern’ wheel size….John? I don’t buy it. Instead of whining about how it takes years to make something new work with the NASCAR cars….how about we take a look at off-the-shelf equipment already in production, and see if it might not be made to work? Oh, that’s right, I forgot, the world revolves around NASCAR, doesn’t it?
I don’t think you have five years, John.
I don’t think another season of constant tire failures is going to sit well with the fans.
Race Notes
1. Excellent job, Carl Edwards. Johnson is still going to win the title, but hey, you are the one working the hardest right now. Maybe Edwards can pull it off…but I don’t think so.
2. Want an indication of how badly designed the COT is? It’s pretty bad when even the combined might of Rick Hendrick motorsports can’t solve the problem in a timely manner. Which makes Edwards’ domination of the race even more spectacular.
3. Juan Pablo Montoya. This makes it, what 9 DNF’s in 20 races?
4. Dodge in general? I say they’re out before the end of the 2009 season, if they don’t pull out of NASCAR before the start of the 2009 Sprint Cup Season. Almost every Dodge in NASCAR is a backmarker….
5. A Note to ABC? Try not to show all of the empty seats next time.
6. David Gilliland….Not cool.
NASCAR Jokes
Did you hear about the NASCAR racer who’s wife was a horrible driver?
She ran over a deer a few days ago.
What’s the problem with that, you might ask?
The deer was inside a petting zoo.
The thoughts and ideas expressed by this writer or any other writer on Insider Racing News, are not necessarily the views of the staff and/or management of IRN.
You can contact Larry Van Zandt at